August 30, 2019
So , I was thinking what should I write on this Friday. Mind was brewing up a lot of stories but heart wanted to pen down some unsaid thoughts. Yeah, unsaid, for many years and will remain so !
When I was in school, I had a friend, a “Hi-Hello” friend actually. Our talks were mostly limited to greeting each other with a “Good Morning”, passing courteous smiles and waving “Bye” at the end of the day. She had her own “gang” of friends and I had mine. We belonged to very different sect of friends, behaviorally & socially. I will not get into the differences because it doesn’t matter….for this blog. May be some other day….I would write about that too.
During one of her weak moments, when she was outcast-ed from her gang, she confessed how much she hated her “so called” friends and was being forced to be with them. Yes, she was being forced, by her parents to be with “those” kids, because her parents wanted her to be like them. I was intrigued, because I saw kids being compared everywhere, at home, at school, at parties, at family gatherings and so on.
Today, when I look back, I find how many childhoods were ruined because of comparison. And I am thankful to those parenting articles which are creating awareness in new age parents to let the child be, a child. BUT, do you think it has stopped or even reduced?
No, a definite NO.
I was out for my evening walk the other day and was chatting with a friend, whose son takes the same class as mine. And she informed me that one of their common friends has joined a class and is being coached for “under 9” tournament. I had a sudden pang of a feeling that I can’t describe and said, “Oh god, so they are also stuck in the viscous circle of “under””!!! I have no doubts about the child’s capabilities, but all I can see is another under 9 child being pushed into a shark tank. And he has to keep floating, because his parents are tied to the same rope as he is and if he drowns, they drown too !!
When I was a kid, comparison was with cousins and friends, now its with 100 stranger kids, whom WE think are better. Why are we doing this to our children? I don’t have an answer. I am a culprit too. My son, once was passionate about a game, today also he plays, he wins medals and trophies too, but the passion is missing. I ask myself, why? Because we, parents, teachers and society, made him believe that he is capable, of doing wonders. And that belief was shattered, when he lost in games, again and again. He picked himself up after every lost game and played the next one with the same zeal, but for how long? Even the toughest of players have bad days.
So the new age term for new age parents is “under x”. Parents take pride in saying, “our kid is participating in under 7, or under 9 or under some tournament”. What they fail to understand is that, their kid is just under 9 and next year he wont be, so instead of pushing him or her to do something which he doesn’t want to or can’t, may be for once, let him truly be “under 9”.
Let them explore what a 9 year old kid should, let them engage in various activities, chose what they like and discard what they don’t. We as parents and our kids should learn to accept their natural capabilities and weaknesses. Because acceptance brings in a sense of satisfaction and also a sense of competition, with own-self.
My advice to all new parents, don’t succumb to the pressures of society, be a mom and dad to your child, scold him, stand for him, pat his back when he wins, hug him when he looses, but never ever say, “look…..your friend got a trophy in under 9 tournament, what are you doing?” Believe me, they will soon be under 11 and you wont even realize where those 2 precious years of their childhood vanished.